Connecting The Dots Between Fear And Loss To Find Hope.

#day16 #WinterABC2020 #afrobloggerswinterchallenge

A relationship exists between fear and loss. Either one can precede the other-loss leading to fear or fear leading to loss. I had my moment a few years back , but l learnt a valuable lesson. Loss is part of the human deoxyribonucleic acid but fear does not have to become a part of us.

The blessings in my life come in the form of my three children , a nine year old girl and five year old fraternal twin boys. They could have been more or less -l not being a creator do not know exactly. I had a miscarriage at five and half months after l gave birth to my daughter who was now three at the time of our trying to have a second child. When the miscarriage happened l put on a brave face , l did not cry , l did not flinch – l continued life as if nothing had happened.l even refused counseling. What an African thing to do-go for counseling. That only happens to white folks in movies.

I had the miscarriage around 12 PM and by 6.00 a.m l was sweeping the yard in the morning. l had even refused to sleep at the hospital. The whole experience was not physically painful and l told myself l would not make it a spiritual painful process. I was a preacher of the gospel , immune to pain and despair and l was strong , all things work together for good. We decided we wouldn’t try for a baby for another year. l even told myself that my one daughter was my portion in the world and so l was quite content. My husband became attached to his one possible child and so we lived our lives. l had conquered loss and came out on top. So, l thought.

The signs and symptoms came in a manner l had never experienced before. I would throw-up and urinate at the same time, then immediately fall asleep. Sometimes l would literally sleep while walking. Eventually l discovered l was pregnant. I could not eat anything for days on end except sadza and offals. I ate sadza and offals until the very end. Then the fear set-in. I had not dealt with my loss but rather tucked it away far away and told my self Christian’s do not grieve. I became fearful of going to the hospital to register the pregnancy and begin antenatal care for myself and the baby. At the same time my stomach kept ballooning at an incredible rate. I would feel faint easily. One night l felt like my uterus was giving up again and by then l was in the fifth month and we had decided that we would be using a private doctor instead of government hospitals, at that time our health delivery system in Zimbabwe was starting to break down. The year was 2014.

We gathered our daughter and the few US dollars we had been saving in order to go to the private doctor. I was flooded with the fear of another loss. We went expecting the worst. After the nurses went through their paces with me the doctor was then called. He did his tests and examinations and thought that my fear was a bit unfounded as my uterus was feeling and looking intact. However he said we needed to be on the safe side and make sure the baby was okey and prepare for a possibility of giving the baby a fighting chance by giving him/her drugs that would make his/her lungs strong. In order to prepare we needed to book a scan. After two days we came back for our scan together with our daughter. We never left her.

In-we arrived in the scanning room with the radiologist alluding to how he thought my pregnancy was a bit to big to be at the beginning of the second trimester. He then put the jelly that helps navigate the tummy when doing a scan and then said matter of factly ” the kids seem to be doing well and sitting okey, the amniotic fluid is enough-actually everything is in order “- he then looked at us and saw us with our mouths wide open. His assumption was that we knew that l was carrying twins. He then realised that we didn’t know. He said let me show you the sex of the children. Then he pointed at the one we could see and said this one is definitely a boy but the other one looks like a boy but he was not to sure.

We left the complex dumbfounded. It was not what we were expecting at all. We went in fear of loss but now we were filled with hope. We do not have twins from my side of the family neither from my partners. In my loss God had replaced my lost baby or babies.

I had to go for check-ups nearly twice a week. Then my uterus started to show signs of opening again….and the fear of loss returned. It was a shadow upon my head. I was asked to stop all manner of physical work. For three months l had spend my whole time on my knees with my head in between my shoulders to help the babies stay inside. I only went out to visit the bathroom. My husband took care of our daughter and had to stop doing his art to take care of me. For that l love him. Our small church group was amazing -they kept me sane. I knew or rather feared something was going to give with this pregnancy. It was either going to be me or the babies or all of us.There is a darkness that hangs when death faces you. When you close your eyes you can smell the death and hope that one it comes it will be peaceful. I would hear them pray for me. My husband would sit next to me with his bible and pray silently. He is not a loud person but is rather shy and is nothing like me when it comes to praying. I being boisterous and all over the place-him being quite and calm. He decided to fast for me up until delivery.

The second scan showed the twins were doing okey but the third scan produced a scary assessment . The big amazed eyes of the radiologist said it all. He just managed to mumble something is wrong. He pointed to a large circle in the uterus together with the children. It was the same size as the head of the children. It was a fibrod growing inside the uterus and with the constant supply of blood it was growing expotionally fast and taking up the space in the womb. By a miracle of sorts it was placed at the far corner of the uterus away from the children but the space in the womb was now very limited. When the doctor saw the growing humogous fibroid he said he had no choice but to operate in the next two weeks when the pregnancy would be at 36 weeks. We went back home l decided after coming face to face with my fear of loss-loss of my life , loss of the babies or the possible loss of all of us that it was in my best interest to not have the fibroid removed.

The doctor said it was a possible option to cut the fibroid or have it removed later.l told him it would be better it is returned where it came from and never to be touched.We did our prayers and placed our fate in Gods hands.

The day they operated twin one was entangled three times by the umbilical cord and twin two twice. If we had tried natural labour we would have lost them both. Three assistants and the doctor forced back the fibroid into the uterus after cutting the deliverying the babies. It had also pushed through. I could hear them pant and gasp putting it back inside my uterus. I had finally over come my fear of loss. The nurses and that doctor at the hospital still look at me in amazement.

My fraternal twins are doing well. One looks like the dad and the other looks like me. One is called Seth which means God has restored unto me -inspired by Eve after God gave her a replacement of her child who had been murdered and Sela’h which David in the psalms used to admonish us to pause and praise the works of God.

I do no know what became of that fibroid. l have never been checked. I leave a normal life and am healthy and l have learnt that its okey to grieve and that love , hope and faith overcomes fear.

Published by Sfe Sebata

I am Social Entrepreneur and Development Practitioner who is passionate about young people and women.l live in rural areas by choice.l love catalyzing rural economies .l can paint and draw.l have an opinion and willing to speak up for social justice and equality.My background is in Art , Marketing ,Socially Responsible Tourism and Theology.

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